The headline read, “Doctors have Proven That Diets Begun In The Middle of the Week are Very Bad For You.” Okay, I totally made that up. But it might as well be true, because when are you going to start a diet? NEXT MONDAY. We all do it. As we ponder our choices during the Wednesday buffet at China Town, we comfort ourselves with the knowledge that our new diet will begin “next Monday”. If we miss it, there’s always Plan B: A week from next Monday.

As we head into the holiday season, what self-respecting woman isn’t worried about adding a little extra love to those love handles? Now if you’re smart, you’re well prepared. You’ve stocked the freezer with vegetables so you’ll have plenty of snack food to keep those eating binges at bay. Yeah, I know. I can’t keep a straight face either.

Being well prepared means you thought to hang onto your FAT pants. You know, the ones you swore you’d never wear after you lost ten pounds on the Special K Diet this summer? Truly intelligent women know to have clothes in varying sizes. This year, save yourself some money. Never buy anything that doesn’t have Spandex somewhere on the label. I feel really good about myself because I switched from 100% elastic to 3% spandex. I’m down 97%. That must be good.

Now that we’re clear on wardrobe, let’s break down the holidays, starting with Halloween. Forget it. There’s nothing you can do, so don’t even try. You have five bags of little candy bars and ten trick-or-treaters. The numbers are not in your favor. Your home isn’t the only danger zone either. What’s waiting for you at work three days later? Picked over candy, courtesy of your co-workers’ children. Just like government cheese, there’s a surplus of the stuff and it’s all crap. Petrified blocks of peanut butter mock you from inside those orange and black wrappers.

By contrast, Thanksgiving isn’t nearly as dangerous as you think it is. For one thing, it always falls on a Thursday. This means you have plenty of time to finish the leftovers before “next Monday.” This year, I’ve devised a clever exercise plan you can incorporate into dinner. Since standing burns more calories than sitting, toss those chairs and serve dinner on the floor. You’ll think twice about that second helping of mashed potatoes if you have to squat for every bite. In addition to working the glutes, my method will do wonders for your abs. Constantly laughing as grandma squats for her drumstick really targets those core muscles.

After a short respite, we slide into Christmas. Basically, you can just repeat Thanksgiving, with one addition: Walk to the store to return your gifts. Don’t drive.

Before you know it, New Year’s Eve is right around the corner. This is the holiday where everyone consumes way too much alcohol. Let this work to your advantage. Since we all look better to intoxicated people, who cares about dieting? By now, you’re wearing those fat pants pretty much every day anyway. On New Year’s Day, you’re far too hungover to eat much. Take the opportunity to start the new year off with a full day of fruit juice and chicken broth. There’s nothing like a good day of fasting to make you feel like a successful dieter.

Now, if you’re really concerned about your weight throughout the holiday season, consider exercising on a regular basis. I prefer the “As Seen on TV” approach. There are an exceptional number of washed up personalities from the 70’s and 80’s developing high quality workout equipment. Bruce Jenner, Chuck Norris and Suzanne Somers are all excellent choices. Show of hands: Who still has their Thigh Master?

Another thing I’m trying to do is fidget more. Really nervous people seem to always be skinny. Incessant toe tapping works really well because I can do it while standing in really long lines. If the person in front of me looks like a good sport, I like to bang out the drum solo from “Wipeout” on the back of his head. This is really good for the upper arms.

Seriously ladies, maintaining a healthy weight is a life-long commitment. Understand healthy eating. My rule of thumb: If it goes bad quickly and gives you gas, it’s good for you. If it still looks edible three years after you bought it, it’s bad for you.

Last but not least, set a goal and stay motivated. Pick an activity that forces you to keep fit. Don’t be wimpy. Be bold -- be brave! I’m thinking of starting a co-ed naked Twister league. Who’s with me?

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© Beth Wiesemann. No portion of this article may be reproduced without the author's permission.