As an avid movie-goer, I’d have to say the greatest thing about modern movie theaters is stadium seating. Stagger the height of each row and you never have to worry about tall people, big hair or ridiculous hats again. Chef Boy-Ar-Dee can now sit in front of me and I don’t have to move one inch. Gone are the days of rocking back and forth trying to see around the couple making out in front of me. Why do people have to shift so much when they’re kissing anyway? Keep your nose to the right, or don’t sit in front of me.
The second most wonderful thing about the movie theater is darkness. I don’t really have to look too closely at anyone and no one cares what the heck I’m wearing. If I want to wear shorts and forget to shave my legs that day....oh yeah, try and stop me. When the lights go down, your bad hair day disappears. If your blind date would look better to you if you actually were blind, that can be forgotten for two hours or so. As far as I’m concerned, the movie theater is almost as comforting as the womb.
Beware though. Lurking in the darkness is a room full of people - people I have absolutely no control over. They chew food loudly and get up constantly to pee. Recently, I attended a movie. I refuse to name the title in order to protect the identity of the rude and inconsiderate. (Not that they’d recognize themselves anyway.) The woman sitting four seats down from me slept through the entire movie. She would have made a wonderful row-mate had she not been snoring loudly! There were people with her, but for some reason they had no interest in waking her up. If the theater is half empty and you insist on bringing your narcoleptic relatives, please don’t sit by me.
In a similar vein, I spent another entire movie listening to the monotonous, mechanical wheezing of someone’s oxygen tank. If I had been at Star Wars, I could’ve pretended it was Darth Vader. But since I was watching a biblical epic, there really was no way to hide the noise in the soundtrack. However, since it was a life-sustaining device and we were watching a movie about Jesus, I can cut someone a break on that one.
One person I never cut a break for though, is the one who insists on talking during the movie. An occasional comment is warranted. If the heroine knocks out the psychopath who’s been chasing her, it’s understandable that you want to yell at her to pick up the damn knife before she runs off. But don’t gab throughout the entire film. If you can’t keep up, accept the fact that you’re slow and stop asking your companion what happened. If you’re the companion, pretend that you don’t know either and stop the conversation in its tracks. If you’re a giggly teenager who wants to talk about her boyfriend, wait for the next Hilary Duff movie. I guarantee I won’t be there, so there’s no way you can sit by me.
By far, the worst movie gabber is the one who’s already seen the movie and insists on telling his friends what’s going to happen next. This is especially bad for me because it brings back painful flashbacks. The year was 1983 and Return of the Jedi had just come out. I was getting ready for school, listening to the radio when it happened. Out of nowhere, the DJ announced that Luke and Leia were brother and sister. I still believe there is an extra spicy seat in hell waiting for that man. If there are any other listeners of that show out there, I want you to know about my internet support group: www.youruinedreturnofthejediforme.com.
Phones and babies are other common irritations we have all encountered at one time or another. The wonderful thing about phones is that they have an OFF button. When I saw War of the Worlds last year with a couple of friends, I saw to it that we all turned our phones off in unison. A man in the row in front of us actually thanked me. I felt like telling him there was a greater chance of an actual attack by aliens than there was of my phone ringing. But for that moment, he thought I was a wonderful person and I was glad he sat by me.
As for babies, what are people thinking? Babies don’t appreciate plot and character. Their main purpose in life is to look cute. I can’t see them in the darkness, so what’s the point? Since they don’t have an OFF button, it’s really a good idea to leave little Mr. or Miss Poopie Pants at home. Can I get an “amen” on that one? I thought so.
Of course, not all problems come from the people around me. In the past few years, I’ve experienced seven -- count ‘em -- seven equipment malfunctions. It’s kind of like sex. A couple of movies were late starting. One had the gall to quit ten minutes before the end. Another never started at all. One really amazing movie took all night long! It was the midnight premier of the first Star Wars and the sound went out fifteen minutes into it. It was 2:30 a.m. before we got underway. I swear the manager was crying when he came out to speak to the crowd. Fortunately for him, no one will ever know for sure because the darkness shielded his tears.
In light of all of the uncertainty and frustration, why continue to venture out to the movie theater? After all, the video store is right down the street. I have digital cable with 5,892 channels of golf, decorating and infomercials. There are endless alternatives to onscreen viewing pleasures; reading, gardening....origami. I guess in the end, I must really long for someone to sit by me after all. Just a few words of advice though: call a babysitter, turn off your phone, take some No-Doze, pay close attention, don’t suck on your date’s face, preferably breathe on your own and don’t buy a cup of soda that’s bigger than your bladder.
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© Beth Wiesemann. No portion of this article may be reproduced without the author's permission.
