I have a life. It's called cable TV. My dad once told me a story so crazy, I actually feared for his sanity. He claims that in the beginning of television there was only ONE channel! How can you only have one channel to watch? That's about as ridiculous as claiming that people used to listen to programs on a radio. The thought of that just gives me chills.

Okay – seriously. I'm old enough to remember dressing the potato in tin foil to bake it for exactly one hour, so I'm old enough to remember TV before the advent of cable. Hell, I'm even old enough to remember actually having to walk across the room to change the channel. That's right. No mention of the remote control in the bible. It's a modern invention folks.

I wonder though – is it actually better to have 150 channels that never go off the air? When I fell asleep in the chair watching television, it was much more soothing to wake up to the calming test pattern than it is to wake up to Daisy Fuentes selling pilates DVDs.

I'm also not sure enough good programming exists to fill all of these stations. There are 4 different ESPNs. That means you need to fill 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, with sports for 4 different channels. This is the reason for televised Poker. My idea of a sporting event is watching well-toned athletes participating in something physical. The strongest attribute of a poker player is the ability to develop a blank stare. Riveting. And putting cameras around the rim of the table doesn't help anything either. The fact that I see your full house isn't made anymore interesting because I can now see your giant thumb as well. What happened to the crowd noises? All you have with poker is the incessant clicking of the chips. Did someone put a mic on the damn things? Why do they have to click like that the whole time? It sounds like someone's clipping their toe nails. (Hey, that gives me an idea for a new show: Extreme grooming.)

If you're going to televise the mundane, at least do something to really make it more interesting. How about Spelling Bee Death Match? Why not land-mine hopscotch? Wouldn't tetherball be much more challenging under water?

Did I mention that there's a channel just for golf? That's in addition to the 6 different ESPNs. Golf for 24 hours. Is there that much professional golf being played at any given time? There are only so many Tiger Woods Biographies you can use to fill the time.

More channels also means more news. Up to the second news. That's great; when it's something newsworthy. Paris Hilton is NOT newsworthy. On the entertainment shows, maybe. But CNN, get a grip. Let's break away from the war in Iraq to see if Paris Hilton had to suffer the indignity of eating fishsticks in prison.

Anna Nicole Smith is another one I'm sick and tired of hearing about. Now that she's dead, all of these conspiracy theories keep popping up. Unless it's discovered that the makers of Trimspa® had her assasinated, she isn't newsworthy.

I also don't have to see every intimate detail of a celebrity's life. So what if David Hasselhoff is drunk and sitting in his bathtub eating a cheeseburger? He probably thought he was back in the ocean and mistook his cheeseburger for a flotation device. It happens. Give the guy a break. Imagine the oxygen deprivation he suffered after spending 10 years sucking his gut in for Baywatch.

If you're a woman, you're in luck. There are actually channels just for you. The original cast of Charlie's Angels would have been out of work a long time ago if it wasn't for the Lifetime Network. I rarely ever watch this network though, because there's only so much Meredith Baxter-Birney I can take. And she didn't fool anyone by dropping the married name. I still know it's you MS. Baxter.

As a companion to the Lifetime Network, someone started the Lifetime Movie Network, so you could have a constant loop of every movie that was ever made for the Lifetime Network. If you missed that Jane Seymour movie in March, you can catch it again some time in July. They usually run them right after the Lifetime Profile: "Meredith Baxter-Birney, Life Before the Birney".

Of course, don't count out network television altogether. I still watch plenty of that. Believe it or not, there are some people (like my friend who I'll call "Nicole"), that don't have cable. I'm not sure what she's going to do with that antenna once the government makes us all switch to digital. Perhaps she could sell it on ebay along with my manual typewriter. There's a lot of money in nostalgia, after all.

When it comes to network TV, I'm a sucker for crime shows. Law and Order has quite the franchise going. In addition to the long-running original, we have SVU and Criminal Intent. The third spin-off, Trial By Jury, was quickly cancelled though. Sensing they were running out of steam, other ideas were promptly shelved. Sadly, Law and Order: Mall Security will probably never see the light of day. Don't be looking for Law and Order: Meter Maids anytime soon either. The Nickelodeon Channel for kids came dangerously close to picking up Law and Order: Hall Monitor, but it just was not to be.

THIS JUST IN: Paris Hilton just drank a cup of coffee. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

Reality TV is the big thing going right now. Every network has to have one. There was the one where two people got drunk and made out in a hot tub. Then there was that other one – the one where three people got drunk and made out in a hot tub. I got bored with that one, so I decided to switch over to the one where four people got drunk and made out in a hot tub. Fortunately, there's so much variety.

If people making out in a hut tub doesn't thrill you, there are plenty of talent shows. America's Got Talent is huge right now. No problem with the show, just the title. I realize that "America's Got an Almost Sadistic Fascination with Watching People Who Have an Appalling Lack of Talent Make Fools of Themselves" is too long of a title to have to TiVo®. But can't we get more accurate titles for these shows? "America's Got Delusions of Grandeur" isn't too long, is it? Personally, I'd be happy with "America's Got More Talent Than the French".

Talent shows are always fun though. I have to admit, I love to watch people compete to be the best singer or the best dancer. Let's face it; American Idol is like crack. Maybe one year, you see the audition phase and you think that's funny, so you just watch the audition shows. Then the next year, you discover Hollywood Week. The third year, you have nothing better to do, so that finale show seems appealing. But by the fourth year, you accidentally tune in to Barry Manilow week and then you're hooked for good. It gets so bad, you even miss the series finale of Gilmore Girls, your favorite show ever!! Is Jordin Sparks really more important than Rory Gilmore? When I look back ten years from now, I think I'll realize what a mistake I made. Fortunately, the Lifetime Network will probably rerun the whole series next month, right after Meredith Baxter-Birney week.

LATE BREAKING NEWS: Paris Hilton just opened a window and looked outside.

Music TV has done big business since the early days of cable. MTV was the first hot thing. Remember when it actually played music? Tune in now and find a music video. I dare you. Now it's all about pimping the bling bling in a crib where people get drunk and make out in hot tubs.

VH1 was the place to watch Behind the Music. What happened to that show? I loved the heartwarming stories about how the lead singer and lead guitarist had a parting of the ways because the lead singer wanted to do more ballads and the lead guitarist wanted to rock, so he got hooked on heroine and the band continued without him, but the other members became alcoholics and formed a mutiny because they too, were sick and tired of the lead singer and his wussy ballads and they disbanded because they couldn't rock enough, then the bass player ran into the ex-lead guitarist in rehab and they formed a new band with Ted Nugent, because Ted Nugent rocks hard. Then after the ex-lead singer's short run on Broadway, everyone decided they missed performing together and they grew their hair out again and started touring together, playing hog festivals all around the country. Stories like these is what made Behind the Music beautiful and life-affirming.

Nowadays, TV has a music channel for everyone. Although, I'll never cease to find it amusing that network programmers think that if you're a country music fan, you automatically love Nascar®, Fishing and Pro Wrestling. With 10 different ESPNs, why do they feel the need to put these on the Country Music Network?

NOW FOR A LIVE UPDATE: Paris Hilton just finished brushing her hair. Reports estimate the number of strokes to be between 85 and 93.

Actually, you can forget TV altogether. The next phase of entertainment is definitely the internet. YouTube® is changing everything because now you and I can make our own show and reach millions of people. I've decided to spend my time doing just that. I'm going to start by changing my last name to that of a large, hotel chain. Then I'll gather my friends and we can play poker in the hot tub, while twirling batons. The loser of each hand has to eat some type of live insect, otherwise, they get voted out of the hot tub. The ultimate loser has to organize the mess in my bedroom and landscape my back yard.

Okay, I have to go now. I'm studying up to become smarter than a fifth grader.

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© Beth Wiesemann. No portion of this article may be reproduced without the author's permission.