Tell me if this is you: You’ve spent the month of December binging on Christmas-tree cookies and fruit cake. You’re anticipating a night of heavy drinking on New Year’s Eve. Needless to say, the pants are a little snug. All is well, you tell yourself, because on January 2nd, you’re going to start that new diet. New Year’s Day, you’re going to be like a death-row inmate getting your last meal before electric-chair time. Then it’s off to that gym you just joined. Am I close?

Jump ahead to January 15th. It’s midnight. You’re standing in front of the refrigerator in your bathrobe, biting chunks of cookie dough straight from the wrapper. As for the gym, you won’t be seeing that place again until next January 2nd. Now, I know I’m at least getting warm.

What do I think about New Year’s Resolutions? Let’s just say that there are only two times this year I plan on telling anyone I’m going to lose weight. I’ll give you a hint: I have to see my doctor twice a year to check up on my blood pressure and cholesterol.

Another thing I’m not going to pledge: doing more for others. Hollywood has jumped on the world hunger bandwagon recently. That’s certainly a noble cause. George Clooney and Brad Pitt want me to be more aware of worldwide starvation. I’d love to, but I’m just too old to run for Miss America. Realistically, all I can do for hunger is eliminate my sugar cravings by eating bacon for breakfast instead of processed carbs.

Forget all of it! I refuse to commit to anything; certainly not in print. Instead of declaring one or two major, life-changing missions, I’d like to do something a little different. For this article, I’m going to play a little game I call "WHAT I SHOULD DO/WHAT I’LL PROBABLY DO". Following, is a list of my problem areas. By themselves, each one would make a wonderful New Year’s Resolution. But since I can’t commit, I think it will be more fun to make predictions.

What I should do: Reduce portion sizes at dinnertime.
What I’ll probably do: Reduce vegetable portions & increase dessert sizes. It all evens out.

What I should do: Stop lying around the house, watching so much TV.
What I’ll probably do: Expand my cable package.

What I should do: Brush my dog more.
What I’ll probably do: Continue to use strips of duct tape to pull dog hair off of my clothes.

What I should do: Try to keep the weeds in my yard from growing wildly out of control this Spring.
What I’ll probably do: Put on a loin cloth and pretend I’m Tarzan.

What I should do: Stop going out to lunch every day.
What I’ll probably do: Buy a lot of salad fixings at the grocery store and then wonder what that funny smell in my refrigerator is, two months later.

What I should do: Throw out clothes I’m never going to wear again.
What I’ll probably do: Pile clean clothes on my exercise bike because my closets are too full.

What I should do: Ride my exercise bike every morning.
What I’ll probably do: How can I reach the pedals if I’m sitting on top of all of those clothes?

What I should do: Look up a new word in the dictionary every day so I can broaden my vocabulary.
What I’ll probably do: Continually begin and end every other sentence with the phrases, “I was like ... ” and “ ... you know”.

What I should do: Firm up my inner thighs.
What I’ll probably do: Continue to avoid corduroy and other materials that make noise when my walk.

What I should do: Get to work on time every day.
What I’ll probably do: Actually, this one I probably will do since I have to turn this article in to several managers.

What I should do: Stop surfing the web at work so much.
What I’ll probably do: (See previous paragraph.)

What I should do: Learn how to play a musical instrument.
What I’ll probably do: Listen to old Van Halen songs so I can brush up on my air guitar solos.

What I should do: Stop cussing like a sailor.
What I’ll probably do: Start hanging around with more sailors so I don’t sound so bad.

What I should do: Stop procrastinating so much.
What I’ll probably do: Think about it some more.

What I should do: Learn to control my road rage and stop cussing at stupid drivers so much.
What I’ll probably do: Start driving around with sailors.

What I should do: Pay off my credit card.
What I’ll probably do: Go to Wal-Mart® the day before payday, just to pick up “a couple of things”.

What I should do: Cut down on those artificial sweeteners that give me gas.
What I’ll probably do: Just make sure the dog’s always nearby.

What I should do: Quit talking to myself so much.
What I’ll probably do: Talk myself out of it.

And Finally....
What I should do: Eat more vegetables.
What I’ll probably do: Find even more foods that go really well with mayonnaise.

That’s quite a list. Obviously, I don’t plan on doing some of those things. (How stupid would I look in a loin cloth?) Others are very doable; like that getting to work on time thing. What I realize though, is that it would almost be as much work to stay the same as it would be to change my behavior. It kind of makes me think I should start on that list of New Year’s Resolutions after all.

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© Beth Wiesemann. No portion of this article may be reproduced without the author's permission.